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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2005.08.08  04.21

my mind is fluttered
it's sexual clutter

what did i do
to let love pass
why am i set
on pullin ass

how did this happen
when has it been this long
that i was only trying
to turn girls on

i feel like shit
i want to feel better
she says shes down
so you know that i'll let her
this isn't me
what happened to love letters
i have one wish
that i never met her
her heart has my account number
and i'm forever her debtor

just a hard dick and some ass
it feels real good
but that shit don't last


  2005.07.03  01.54
Not a Color

Empty handed, broken hearted
Walked a mile in their shoes
Me, an asshole?
This is why i've got the blues

Not a color
Not a hue
A hole inside
All because of you

I can't look
I can't talk
I can't say a god damn word to you
You've said it all
But i take it in stride
I hang my head high
Although your face brings me to cry
But i won't let it show
Too much pride
For a woman to be the focus of my life

Not a color
Not a hue
A hole inside
All because of you

It's one thing to screw me
It's another to lie
I did what i could
And you needed more
It's ok though
Because i know you're a whore

Not a color
Not a hue
A hole inside
All because of you


  2005.05.28  22.18
Just a little something i wrote

Have you ever sat up all night,
Waiting for a phone call you had no business getting
From a person you weren't supposed to talk to
At a time you weren't even supposed to be awake

But when it came,
Did your heart skip a beat?
Did your eyes light up as your thumb found the button?
Did your mind go in a whirl,
As you thought of what to say,
Something profound, something wonderful,
Something that would bring it all back,
But all that came out was 'Hello?'


  2005.04.25  22.58
The latest in Poetry

Civility in One Act

The man sits with his puppets 1
Lifts them by their soul 2
He makes the wife dance 3
as the gentleman sits in his chair 4
The wife bows to greet the gentleman 5
and the gentleman bows to kiss the maiden's hand 6

Oh! They danced on the nimblest of limbs, or lack of 7
Oh! They embraced with life-like passion through wooden eyes 8
How to be there! 9
How the paint did melt off from the friction of their fake hearts 10

The puppets danced until they were neither man nor woman 11
Their paint had dripped off 12
As the man went to grab more paint he laid them down in such a way that they became entangled 13
When he came back with his bucket of social identity, he had forgotten who the gentleman was 14
He tried his hardest to untangle them, trying to always make the gentleman on the right 15
But soon, the wires had snapped and the puppets still stood 16

~In such a way that gravity could not bring them down 17
~The puppets now had control over the show and the paint had glued their feet to the ground 18
~The puppetmaster had lost control over his show 19
and from this stage became the most perfect example of Civil Rights 20

Accidental Death

I killed a bunny today 1
red, white, and gray 2
Fur deposits on the ground 3
flesh was all around 4
It smelled like dead fish 5
Granted nothing; No last wish 6
With the mower of destruction 7
I cut the grass with passion 8
I didn't realize it was hiding 9
It now has no life for fighting 10
the chunks are all that is seen 11
and the blood is now like cream 12
What I saw I can't really say 13
But all I know is red, white, and gray 14


Laughing too loudly 1
We sunk into the couch 2
Slowly my heart raised my mouth 3
My soul was resting on my tongue 4
You took it as your own, so much unlike you 5
And I have yet to ask for it back 6
Your lips glistened with the remains of me 7
I was blinded by this change 8
but you guided me through the halls 9

I raised my hand to feel the vivacity of your complexion 10
You grabbed it to hold it steady against your face 11
Every ounce of life was draining away from my fingertips 12
And I suddenly became your new pet 13
There was nothing I could do 14
Sink or Swim, I was already in the ocean of your heart 15

We stayed there for what seemed eternity 16
Our bodies stayed motionless except for the jerking of our heads 17
I could feel my body begin to shudder 18
and you held me closer 19

Your heart pounded the rythm that I would follow 20
This new beat that was driving me further down 21
We were eye to eye, but I felt below you and above me 22
Osmosis let me know how you felt and I passed it back to you 23

Then the party had stopped 24
The life had flowed back into me 25
I was no longer your pet 26
But you still had my soul 27


  2005.03.31  01.07
Collection of Poems

"Tonight, Tomorrow, Yesteryear"

Tonight I held within
the withering feelings and self-doubt
the lasting effect of fading in my mind
the simple answer locked behind thought

It would've been so easy to say what I meant to say, but stating the feelings I felt wouldn't have made things okay.
I tried to convey the thoughts running through my mind but in time I find the hunt is much more exciting find.

Tomorrow is the sin
that I have not committed but bout
that innonce and bliss lost in crime
that stupid little battle that is still fought

I once thought I was right in stating how much I cared about life, but now the thought has retired and lived out all it's hype.
And in the past we will laugh about the time we spent together, not mourning, apathetically under this weather.

Yesteryear was the time
when we spent all our lives in the crowd
when we ran inside after the clock's tenth chime
when I was still alive, or so I thought

"Summer Epitome"

Walking up the street to the neighbors
The sun sets upon the street
Everyone has gathered to watch meat sizzle
and to smell the sweet incense of summer

They gather, shake hands, and slowly walk away to start more pointless conversations
"Cards are going to take it all this year"
"No way, Mets got it all over"
"Guys, with the 'roids about, baseball isn't even gonna be the same"

The men get so into the conversation they scream
My ears burned at first
They ended up settling differences and guzzling their juice
It comforted my sight

My mother walked up to me to kiss me and show me around like a prized trophy that she had won in the annual cook-off
I was none of the sort
She introduced me to young Katie James, blonde hair extraodinaire
She smiled at me as I felt my heart skip a beat

We ran off to the toy room, the one filled with retro memories and such items that parents think kids would still like
She pulled out the 70's doctor kit
She took my pulse and put the stethescope under my shirt
She could hear my heart failing

She slowly moved the cold stethescope downward towards my belly
My reaction came
She sat there crying and my heart fell
Playing with girls always leads to accidents

"But.. But.. But... I tried pushing the thingy away and accidentally hit her in the eye, Mom"
"No but's, you apologize. You keep this up and you'll have no more friends by the end of summer."

I began walking up to young Katie James, with tears still touching her blonde hair.
I mustered up the strength; I gave her a hug
I said I was sorry and quickly ran away
So as to save myself any more skipped heartbeats and embarassments from other people


Today I held my head up high
just to concern you
and strengthen my alibis
You never expected me to come out like this
never expected me to fly

Hold your glove in front of me
so that I may pick up the scent
following the path to heaven
And showed me the life you Lent

Today I held my head up high
just show you I could
and notice I didn't cry
My strength is questioning your life
and your house I've denied

Hold your glove in front of me
so that I may pick up the scent
following the path to heaven
And showed me the life you Lent

I don't, I don't need to listen
merely observe
I won't, I won't listen
to what you want me to learn
I live life on my own
my own terms
So I'm breaking away
from the bush that burns

Today I held my head up high
just to let you know I am here
But alas, I question why
For your divinity has reigned over politics and life
all for a Church that lies


  2005.02.22  22.53

Back when i partied i had one love
it was deep and down and that love was drugs.
Well now i'm clean and so it seems
that life is fucked and reality makes me fiend.
Vicoden, pot, x, heroin and some beer
Taking away all the fear
I have wrapped inside
That i try to hide from
but sometimes it just aint worth it
and it's some shit i almost die from.
Whatever you have send it my way
i wont ask no questions,
just make me trip from now til may.
I never really cared about much in life
even with two kids, grandkids and a wife
I'll still be gettin smashed
Makin everyone think I'm an ass
that i really am,
Give me what ever you got and i'll take a massive amount
Make me climb mt. Kilimanjaro


  2005.02.15  08.50
grandfather, three days shy

The powder shackles of sawdust
and that stale smell of a workshop
well loved and utilized,
are subtly complemented by
the glistening of cold, hard
steel and the rigid teeth of
a craftsman's favorite tool.

In this concrete enclosure,
there once stood a being of
flesh who created with lumber.
He fashioned his calloused
hands against wood grains,
never flinching when yet
another splinter bonded
itself with leather fingers.

There he stays,
sawing yet deeper still,
in silent volumes only
heard by garage mice.

Mood: nostalgic

  2005.02.14  00.06

Looking inward i see black
then a light shines
to show me my life
to show me things i thought i knew
things i thought i loved

i see failed relationships
one's that happened
and one's that will
I see lonely people
people that have loved
and that have lost
I see Earth circling the sun
so predictable
so ordinary

I see the sky folding into itself
and the relief of being new
I see the clouds floating out of the sky
to usher in the moon
I see a life without war
yet uneasiness sets about the country
Tension is the tenants only friend
and they're all gathered at the bar

I see the life i will never life
because I am plain and from misery
I will never stand out in the crowd
unless I paint myself
I am a blank portrait and i like it
i don't want to hold these colors
i want to be whatever life paints me

Is it so obvious
to not crave flesh
to not crave alcohol
to not crave the poisons that make us feel so good

Is it so absurd
to live life the way we want
to not meet expectations
to have fun with the people we care about and love

Is it so wrong
to drink life
to swallow the pill of opportunity
and to live life for what it is worth

if you know the answers to my question
if you have lived and found a way
if you can live, love, forgive
tell me how.



  2005.01.26  23.21

welcome to my world
it's upside down
floating in the sky
but all i do is drown

welcome to my world
welcome to my hell
thirsty as i've ever been
but dry runs the well

welcome to my world
all hope is lost
to leave this world
knows but one cost

welcome to my world
it's way overpriced


  2005.01.26  23.16
Home sweet home

From old fifth street
In historic st. chuck
all in search
non say what the fuck

Miles from life
miles from home
surrounded by strangers
stuck here alone

sent away
for uncomfortable change
forced upon
my life rearranged

inside of me
i'm dead and gone
they say they know right
but i know they're wrong


  2005.01.25  22.35
I hate soibriety, i'm an alcoholic, and i need some beer

dwelling in the wreckage
of no accident
stuck in a place
but able to escape
doing only what i have to
not doing what i need
shutting you out
when i really need you
opening up
to be knocked down
letting you know
even things i don't

welcome to my hell
that is this place
welcome to my hell
where i don't want a fucking cake


  2005.01.10  04.51

I was the glimmering pebble in your small pond
you saw me shining for you yet you cast me away
now that you've been around this whole pond
you look at me in a different way

I'd respect you
if you'd respect me
I'd honor you
If you'd honor me
but until the day
you lose your insecurities
we can be nothing but
society's amenities

You saw me glimmering
so you skipped away
how was i to feel?
what was i to say?
i just had to hope that
another chance would come some day
well my heart has turned into
that little pebble
cuz i don't know what i feel
i'm so lost and confused
i wish you would take me back into your hands
warm my little heart up
i may not talk
but i sure can love


Overcasted and cloudy
my room is so dark
when all you hear is silence
out strikes a spark
my heart is racing
my mind is chasing
reality and it's many forms
it may be cloudy
but it's also in my dorm

I may not be up in the clouds
but my head is spinning
Nothing can bring me down
cuz i'm too busy laughing
the only crown i wear is the one
that scares all the good little boys and girls
so go away
my room is much more fun, anyway

Open the window
not just to hear the rain
i find myself locked in a box
that plays my song all day
What can you do? When you lie at home looking through
the things you thought you knew

You've gained new perspectives
about shit you don't care about
you've gained new senses
paranoia and doubt
you're either trying to hide or just to sublime to care
anways, it's your day
carpe diem or so they say
this is the best life for me, anyway



  2005.01.04  01.43
Watch me

you just have to let go
and low and behold
fantasy will fall in your eyes
take back the things you said
get up out of your bed
and walk onto paradise

you try to deny
and keep me from tryin
to become the one i want to be
open the blinds
let this light shine
sit back, relax, and watch me

the path isn't always made
it's waiting for you to pave
and to wonder aimlessly
but if you put aside your pride
and look past the lies
you'll find you're right where you want to be

In time
you're life will go
but more will follow
and they will see the bread crumbs laid
they can take advice
but why sacrifice
this good thing that has been made

Live it!


  2004.11.29  22.50

I don't even know where to start
I'm completely lost for words
compelled by your wonderful nature
yet moving by your verbs

You've found that innocence in me
that i thought i once lost
you've uncovered in my personality
the dreams i've let go
so let go

Ever since i've let the butterfly fly away
i'm perfumed with the sweet nectar it left
and though that butterfly is miles away
i can still see it's beautiful colors
there are photographs in my head
that will never fade
there are visions that i still see
that only you could have made
you have made

I'm sorry
that's all i can say
it's too little
yet too much
I'm sorry
you deserve better
to live
to love
I'm sorry
don't think of me
but don't forget me
forget me



  2004.10.10  02.27

you would be
there but i had
to check anyway
always was
a quasi-masochist

your vehicle
so iconic
fearful sight
breathe too fast
sharp intake
could feel your
still, after all this
time has passed
how do i deny it?
to myself?
to you?

foreign dilemma
lost, and i want you
to guide me through
period of ferment
could i need you?

drive away
go home
go to sleep
toss and turn
mind swarming
thoughts no good
for thinking
lucid dreaming:
provide me with the arms
pointlessly craving

wake up
so cold
alone, unrested
had i slept at all?
were you
there but now
gone too far
seeing you
(inside my head)
too much to bear
crushing rejection
without ever having said
a word.


  2004.10.08  13.58
After All

After all, i put down the gun
and hold my head up high
for some time now
i've felt so much pride
why here and now?
it's like an infinite wind has come to take me away
after all, things are better this way

I felt loved once
when i was home
but i have to leave that behind
and have this world to roam
Sometimes i think i can do it by myself
sometimes i know i can't
but i push on anyways
because every step is one step closer to home

friends say i've changed and i don't listen
but after all, things will work out
friends stay till the end and love never goes away
it stays in your heart until your last day
Don't doubt who i am nor who i will be
because after all, i've been here and i always will be



  2004.10.06  21.13

the fumes that dance around
your outer glow
how toxic is stupidity?
break the skin
over his head
no one ever feels a thing

nexus of sadness
is hatred and badness
go sit in a corner and cry
choose the paler side
less defeated
almighty climb
is this the apex?

you care, you sucker
you're apathetic, you jerk
procure me a sexy man
with a subtle laugh
and rude exterior gestures
i'll strand him
in the middle of the sea
then you'll know
how dead you are to me

it's not worth the effort.

Mood: weird

  2004.09.16  19.47

Bored? Comment. Its fun. I promise.



  2004.09.07  15.50

it's the one thing you hate
washing out the bitter taste
of goodbye from the inside of your mouth
where you still feel the imploring tongue
of teenage glory in that backseat
of a car, where your legs were cramped
and your head hit the doorhandle
a moment so beautifully rare
that you cannot erase it from memory
so you grip the skin
on the back of the boy
who is not your one and only
who you wish would never speak
the moon is bright
the stars, they shine on us tonite
a necessary evil
p.s. take summer with you

Mood: listless

  2004.07.30  01.23
Upside Down...

Things are seen in full beauty in different lights.
Lights add color and shade to even the most simple objects.
yet lights take away imagination of what could be in the dark.
Lights add hope to a situation and inversly, take it away.

An apple, simple and pure cannot be seen in the dark.
the sun gives the apple warmth and a softness in it's bite.
a red light gives it a deep and passionate appearance.
a green light gives a joyful yet mysterious appearance.
Why then, in so many different lights, is this joy overlooked?

The gift of life should, as such, seen in different lights.
Life should touch every wonderful spectrum of color
Every Glorious beam of light and shade
Every smell, taste, and touch
that this wonderful existence can withstand.
If beauty and wonder fill every second of life, then why do people take it away?

Why are so many people happy and so many depressed?
How can some see stars yet some just see emptiness.
Some see a man, yet others see a rock.
Optimism and Pessisism are an everlasting battle.
Thus, a human being must see life in every light to understand the answers to these questions.

One can say," I've seen everything in the entire world, and this life can offer me no more."

But i say," You may have seen the shell of everything, but have you understood everything you've seen. Do you know exactly how the Pyramids look at every time of day? Do you know how the Sunset looks in California and in Japan on the same day? Do you know how a child looks when you give them toys, and take them away? You have not see everything, but rather, you've seen yourself become a fool. To say you've seen everything in this Earth, is like saying you've become God of all, and the mystery of life is common knowledge."

Light is what lets us see and what also lets us wonder. Without light, there can be no understanding, and no mysteries.
So rejoice for light, because without it, there would be no joy nor understanding in life.


  2004.07.14  00.41
Back to the Basics...

Taking things to make me whole
Why should i give back what some let go
Fall into this simple little void
that controls and holds it's poise
to follow the leader unto our screwing
of this dressed up little truth

Somtimes, it seems so much
that you have to let go
but bear the burden
forgive whom you may
and realize it's all for the show

Dreaming of a better plan
to conquer and divide this land
so tht one and all may live their life
like they chose to without fight
they will soon be the ones to see the root
of everything that has chosen to be true

Live, die, rise against the next world
fall on back down to do it all again
Live, die, fall into pressures of this burly
yet weak and powerless little system

Find the truth behind the eyes


  2004.06.03  01.23
Wait for the sounds...

Hey, long time no post. I've been bored and as co-songwriter for the band Optiqa, i decided i would get this thing up and running again. Same rules as before. Say what's on your mind. This time, it's not limited to poetry. Anything that has to do with society is acceptable. Anything you need understanding with can be put on here, with the exception of personal problems (unless put vaguely). A good example of this would be "How do i attract women" instead of "Why won't little miss Molly go out with me?". Anyways, i'm going to renew this whole community by starting it, once again, with a poem. Here it goes:

Looking into the mirror
Not sure what i see
there's an image in this place
but it's not looking back at me

And it's just another face-in-the-mirror
It's just a teenage wasteland
And it's one more thing i don't need
Why are we all here?
We all haste and
we have things we don't need

What's becomming of this place?
My fingers still feel
but i can't touch my face

It's just another thing we don't need
It's just a teenage wasteland


now for my own freestyle:

Sinking deeper into my mind
i trip on lines and rhymes
that people of my kind
have never thought of before
and though we fall to floors
our minds are lifted beyond hours
and with my power
i will take everything that's sour
and transpose it into art
because within our hearts
is that willingness to tear apart
the things that make us hurt
and under my shirt
i hold a symbol of pride
a pride that some try to find
but they look too far
because that pride is in one place
that pride can only be found in the mind

i lost my flow at the end, but you know.. that's how it goes.

real deep poetry time!

I look at people as animals
beasts of behavior
sometimes controlled by substance
they call a savior
But deep down, they strive for primal things
things that cannot be touched
These things push them through the day
theses things they want too much

Can you see, can you believe
these beasts of possibilities
trying too hard for possesions
and in their daily confessions
they pray for more, more, more
without knowing their mind is walking out the door
driven insane by soicety!
Believe! devils of insanity

Their mind's eye closes
and their needs overthrow their heart
without realizing everything
that's deep down driveing them apart
Beasts overthrow their relationships
things that matter the most
leaving them deadly drawn to becomming
the last remainders of ghosts

Can you see, can you believe
these beasts of possibilities
trying too hard for possesions
and in their daily confessions
they pray for more, more, more
without knowing their mind is walking out the door
driven insane by soicety!
Believe! devils of insanity

Devils live deep inside you
Devils drive your inner sanctum
Devils live throughout you
and your greed feeds them


  2004.05.03  23.42
I thought this was worthy enough...

Deftones - Anniversary of an Uninteresting Event

No more gold lights...for the queen earth...
To keep you warm...in your kingdoms...

High...on the waves you make for us!
But not since you left have the waves come!

The bar is dead...
And the rockets rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed

So high...on the waves you made for us!
And not since you left have the waves come...
High...on the waves you made for us!
Not since you left have the waves come...
(have the waves come)
To Nadja, Love - Jesus

I think it would be a great title for next year's prom/homecomming!


  2004.04.19  23.35
A Simple Kind of Something...

Once again, here i am, waiting for a simple kind of something
to come along and take me by suprise
After all, i'm going numb by sitting on all these messed up lies

Can you offer something? A Simple kind of Something? I don't need much, just enough to get me through, enough to get me through this night.

Hands and feet carry your weight, but the weight is slipping from your shoulders, and falling down upon your soul. Come within reach of anything to help you along the way. Anything, something. Looking for that simple kind of something to get through this night.

Need a realization? realize you're not happy, and when it finally hits your brain, those words will come from your lips and kiss this life goodnight. You search for something, a simple kind of something to help you realize.

Small rants get you through life. Complain about anything, everything, something left behind and put in your path. Every little obstacle brings you down, and when the circle completes it's round, you'll search for something. A simple kind of something to realize.



  2004.03.29  01.15
I sang the whole song with the mic turned off IDIOT


All these bubbles in my brain
are turning full circles

Everything has changed
all the face look deranged
I need to escape
I'm stuck in this haze

And the bubbles keep me down
(they won't let me out)

Help me please get out
My brain is lost in this crowd
Someone please help me out
I'm standing drowning in doubt

And the bubbles Keep me down
(they won't let me out)



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